Someone I love killed himself this morning.
I spent 4 hours at his mother's house this morning.
I missed school.
I have done nothing but sleep and cry.
I feel sick.
I kissed his cheek.
He was cold.
He wasn't the right color.
He wasn't moving.
His eyes were just very slightly open.
His mouth was closed.
He looked like he was sleeping.
His facial hair was really light. It used to be darker.
I miss my cousin.
I love you Travis.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
Topic: My dad.
Even though I know it's not his fault, I have so much resentment towards my father.
I never got to know my dad until I was twelve. Then suddenly he shows up with some bitch of a wife, and four other kids.
Then she cheats on him around the same time I showed up, and that lasts two years. She finally gets pregnant, they divorce and my dad became this complete... sob story.
I mean, I guess I understand to a degree. If the mother of my children did that to me, I'd be broken too.
But don't take it out on your eldest who doesn't live with you.
And don't EVER try to pull the 'father' card with me. Where the fuck were you before I hit puberty? Where were you DURING puberty? Where are you after?
Oh. That's right. Not here.
The only 'family' thing we ever did together was when you came to my graduation and afterwards you, mom, and I were outside at the bonfire roasting hot dogs and talking. Oh. And you give me money for Conventions.
Other than that though, you've never been a father to me.
So it's no wonder I blocked you from Facebook. I don't want to talk to you.
Yes I love you, and I realize you didn't have a choice when I was born, and I realize my grandmother made it hard for you to see me and after we moved it got harder... But come on. You didn't even try.
...Bye.
I never got to know my dad until I was twelve. Then suddenly he shows up with some bitch of a wife, and four other kids.
Then she cheats on him around the same time I showed up, and that lasts two years. She finally gets pregnant, they divorce and my dad became this complete... sob story.
I mean, I guess I understand to a degree. If the mother of my children did that to me, I'd be broken too.
But don't take it out on your eldest who doesn't live with you.
And don't EVER try to pull the 'father' card with me. Where the fuck were you before I hit puberty? Where were you DURING puberty? Where are you after?
Oh. That's right. Not here.
The only 'family' thing we ever did together was when you came to my graduation and afterwards you, mom, and I were outside at the bonfire roasting hot dogs and talking. Oh. And you give me money for Conventions.
Other than that though, you've never been a father to me.
So it's no wonder I blocked you from Facebook. I don't want to talk to you.
Yes I love you, and I realize you didn't have a choice when I was born, and I realize my grandmother made it hard for you to see me and after we moved it got harder... But come on. You didn't even try.
...Bye.
Saturday, September 14, 2013
So...
No one reading this would or should know this. But a few years ago my mom met a man. This man was a friend of my mom's goddaughter, meaning he was ten years younger than she was. (Actually, he is the same amount of years older than me than he is younger than my mother. I went to school with both of his siblings.)
Anyway, this guys was a Nazi. Or so, he liked to think he was. So on their first date, my mother wore a Star of David- because that's the type of person my mom is. She has a dark and bitter sense of humor, and I love her for it.
Unfortunately, for my mom, she didn't know that this guy was going to cause the next four years of damage to her family.
He was never physically abusive towards my mom or I, but along with the large swastika tattooed on his chest, he was a heavy alcoholic.
And a felon.
There was one night, at a festival held every year where I live, he broke up with my mom, and twenty minutes later, had a girl not even two years older than me all but sucking his dick. Then later that night, he burst into my house when I was home alone (as my mom was out with friends for the Festival). He was very drunk, and ran downstairs to my mom's bedroom even though I told him he needed to leave.
I called my mom, and she raced home- being followed by a friend of ours who was worried about her.
Unfortunately, everyone had been drinking, and I could hear violence downstairs. Apparently, the Nazi-Man tried to strangle my mom's friend, and my mom had to hit him with a baseball bat to get him off. She tried to disconnect the phone so I couldn't call the police, but I had a cell phone. There's a lot more to this story because he left and came back all before the police really arrived, and threaten to hit me. Y'know, after I had the baseball bat in my hand and told him to stay away from my mom.
He was arrested later that night, and then was sent to jail.
He got out about a year later, and he and my mom started dating again. It was awful. He ruined holidays for the next year or two, and my mom stopped talking to me. She only yelled at me, and doted on him. They fought a lot, and once he even told me that I was retarded because I was in LRC (Learning Resource Center; basically Special Ed. What he didn't realize was that I never took any LRC classes. It was my study hall, and where I went when my anger issues got out of control and I needed some time away form people to calm down).
Anyway, he hurt me and my mom in so many ways. None of it had to be physical. (Let me restate, he NEVER hit me or mom. Mom's actually the one who hit him more often than not. She had slapped him when he called me retarded, hit him with a baseball bat when he tried to strangle someone, and once when he was high on Meth and a cocktail of other drugs, she backed into him with her car on accident, effectively running him over.)
Twice, this man detoxed in our downstairs from both alcohol and meth.
Eventually he was arrested for having sex with a minor. (Which he apparently didn't do, but took the deal the DA offered him anyway because he was sure he was going to lose his case.)
Since my mom was the one who reported that he slept with this minor (who had slept with EVERYONE ELSE), and then realized her mistake and that he was innocent, she had to marry him so that she couldn't be forced to testify against him.
She didn't tell me until a year later.
That was two years ago? He'll be released in about six months or so, and they're still married.
For my 18th birthday he sent me a letter asking me to forgive him, and sent along a visitor's sheet, so that I could finally visit him in prison. I filled it out, but I told my mom that I ripped it up.
Which I did later.
For my birthday he sent me earrings he bought online. I threw them at my mom and told her to tell him not to send me anymore gifts.
Today though, out of the blue, he sent me a poster that he painted. It's a Blue Loon standing over a pond in the setting sun. It was beautiful. Mom wouldn't tell me where it was from until I said I liked it.
Then on the back it says "To [Me] with love, [his name]". I told my mom I didn't fucking want it. Because I don't want to forgive him for what he did to me, and to her. He effectively broke my relationship with my mom, and he hurt her for years. He lied, cheated, and drank himself right out of my good graces.
What he did to my mom aside, I could never forgive him for ruining this festival for me. I can never forgive him for making me feel like I needed to attend Alanon and Alateen meetings because I didn't know where else to turn. I could never forgive him for ruining Thanksgiving, Christmas and everything else that was important to me. I can never forgive him for taking my mom away from me.
The whole time they were dating she spent all her energy fighting with him or taking care of him. She didn't have time for me, and when she did talk to me, it was always yelling at me for things I did wrong instead of praising what I did right.
He made my life miserable, and I'm still paying for the emotional damage.
So he can fuck himself.
about 50% of me wants to rip up that painting...
...Bye.
Anyway, this guys was a Nazi. Or so, he liked to think he was. So on their first date, my mother wore a Star of David- because that's the type of person my mom is. She has a dark and bitter sense of humor, and I love her for it.
Unfortunately, for my mom, she didn't know that this guy was going to cause the next four years of damage to her family.
He was never physically abusive towards my mom or I, but along with the large swastika tattooed on his chest, he was a heavy alcoholic.
And a felon.
There was one night, at a festival held every year where I live, he broke up with my mom, and twenty minutes later, had a girl not even two years older than me all but sucking his dick. Then later that night, he burst into my house when I was home alone (as my mom was out with friends for the Festival). He was very drunk, and ran downstairs to my mom's bedroom even though I told him he needed to leave.
I called my mom, and she raced home- being followed by a friend of ours who was worried about her.
Unfortunately, everyone had been drinking, and I could hear violence downstairs. Apparently, the Nazi-Man tried to strangle my mom's friend, and my mom had to hit him with a baseball bat to get him off. She tried to disconnect the phone so I couldn't call the police, but I had a cell phone. There's a lot more to this story because he left and came back all before the police really arrived, and threaten to hit me. Y'know, after I had the baseball bat in my hand and told him to stay away from my mom.
He was arrested later that night, and then was sent to jail.
He got out about a year later, and he and my mom started dating again. It was awful. He ruined holidays for the next year or two, and my mom stopped talking to me. She only yelled at me, and doted on him. They fought a lot, and once he even told me that I was retarded because I was in LRC (Learning Resource Center; basically Special Ed. What he didn't realize was that I never took any LRC classes. It was my study hall, and where I went when my anger issues got out of control and I needed some time away form people to calm down).
Anyway, he hurt me and my mom in so many ways. None of it had to be physical. (Let me restate, he NEVER hit me or mom. Mom's actually the one who hit him more often than not. She had slapped him when he called me retarded, hit him with a baseball bat when he tried to strangle someone, and once when he was high on Meth and a cocktail of other drugs, she backed into him with her car on accident, effectively running him over.)
Twice, this man detoxed in our downstairs from both alcohol and meth.
Eventually he was arrested for having sex with a minor. (Which he apparently didn't do, but took the deal the DA offered him anyway because he was sure he was going to lose his case.)
Since my mom was the one who reported that he slept with this minor (who had slept with EVERYONE ELSE), and then realized her mistake and that he was innocent, she had to marry him so that she couldn't be forced to testify against him.
She didn't tell me until a year later.
That was two years ago? He'll be released in about six months or so, and they're still married.
For my 18th birthday he sent me a letter asking me to forgive him, and sent along a visitor's sheet, so that I could finally visit him in prison. I filled it out, but I told my mom that I ripped it up.
Which I did later.
For my birthday he sent me earrings he bought online. I threw them at my mom and told her to tell him not to send me anymore gifts.
Today though, out of the blue, he sent me a poster that he painted. It's a Blue Loon standing over a pond in the setting sun. It was beautiful. Mom wouldn't tell me where it was from until I said I liked it.
Then on the back it says "To [Me] with love, [his name]". I told my mom I didn't fucking want it. Because I don't want to forgive him for what he did to me, and to her. He effectively broke my relationship with my mom, and he hurt her for years. He lied, cheated, and drank himself right out of my good graces.
What he did to my mom aside, I could never forgive him for ruining this festival for me. I can never forgive him for making me feel like I needed to attend Alanon and Alateen meetings because I didn't know where else to turn. I could never forgive him for ruining Thanksgiving, Christmas and everything else that was important to me. I can never forgive him for taking my mom away from me.
The whole time they were dating she spent all her energy fighting with him or taking care of him. She didn't have time for me, and when she did talk to me, it was always yelling at me for things I did wrong instead of praising what I did right.
He made my life miserable, and I'm still paying for the emotional damage.
So he can fuck himself.
about 50% of me wants to rip up that painting...
...Bye.
Thursday, September 12, 2013
Feelin' Down
Hello guys,
How are you today? Leave me a comment and let me know! I like hearing from anyone (though I know that no one reads this) and see how they're doing. I like helping people, and since I live a pretty boring life, it's nice to hear what's happening to others instead and live vicariously through them.
Plus I genuinely want to know what's up in your corner of the asylum.
So, my day ended really last last night when I went to sleep at nearly 5am.Thank God I'm still on Summer Break until the 23rd. Anyway, then I went to sleep and slept until noon, which is pretty expected.
I was going to go visit my old high school and see some old teachers and a few friends who hadn't graduated yet, but I slept right through when I was going to get there. So that didn't happen.
I think I primarily spent the day sleeping on my floor and watching Pretty Little Liars on my laptop. (Don't worry! I won't post spoilers!)
I had to restart the series since my mom told me what's happening in the latest season, and I just need to see the leadup.
On another note- on top of drawing something last night (In fact, it was this!), I also wrote something to my boyfriend. Now, I'm not going to post that, but yeah, I wrote a poem thing to my boyfriend on Skype before I passed out, and reread it in the morning. It was badly written and rough, but he really liked it, so, that's something.
I used to only be able to write when I was sad, and this poem was a little sad, but more than anything it was hopeful for when we were going to see each other again.
(My boyfriend and I met through a mutual friend, and had a long distance friendship for a year because he moved across the country with his mom. After a year, he asked me on a date, as he was visiting his dad in my state that summer. I said yes, and that was three years ago. Most of our relationship has been long distance, but now he lives in the same state, and takes a 4 hour trek on bus to come see me ever two weeks. He spends the weekend here, and then spends another 4 hours getting home.)
It's kind of nice that I usually write about something sad and could never write about my happiness before, and now I'm starting to be able to. It's kind of a breakthrough I guess.
Oh well, I don't really have much to report. My day was pretty boring all in all.
Well... Bye!
How are you today? Leave me a comment and let me know! I like hearing from anyone (though I know that no one reads this) and see how they're doing. I like helping people, and since I live a pretty boring life, it's nice to hear what's happening to others instead and live vicariously through them.
Plus I genuinely want to know what's up in your corner of the asylum.
So, my day ended really last last night when I went to sleep at nearly 5am.
I was going to go visit my old high school and see some old teachers and a few friends who hadn't graduated yet, but I slept right through when I was going to get there. So that didn't happen.
I think I primarily spent the day sleeping on my floor and watching Pretty Little Liars on my laptop. (Don't worry! I won't post spoilers!)
I had to restart the series since my mom told me what's happening in the latest season, and I just need to see the leadup.
On another note- on top of drawing something last night (In fact, it was this!), I also wrote something to my boyfriend. Now, I'm not going to post that, but yeah, I wrote a poem thing to my boyfriend on Skype before I passed out, and reread it in the morning. It was badly written and rough, but he really liked it, so, that's something.
I used to only be able to write when I was sad, and this poem was a little sad, but more than anything it was hopeful for when we were going to see each other again.
(My boyfriend and I met through a mutual friend, and had a long distance friendship for a year because he moved across the country with his mom. After a year, he asked me on a date, as he was visiting his dad in my state that summer. I said yes, and that was three years ago. Most of our relationship has been long distance, but now he lives in the same state, and takes a 4 hour trek on bus to come see me ever two weeks. He spends the weekend here, and then spends another 4 hours getting home.)
It's kind of nice that I usually write about something sad and could never write about my happiness before, and now I'm starting to be able to. It's kind of a breakthrough I guess.
Oh well, I don't really have much to report. My day was pretty boring all in all.
Well... Bye!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Introduction to the Journey
I suppose this blog will be a place for me to post my writings, vent, or many various other things. Anything to track my journey to become more healthy, in body, mind and soul.
I'd like to think that I have a great many talents. But as of lately, I find myself in a continuous slump.
To try and fix that, I decided that
I will not sit here and try to persuade you, or myself, that I am a responsible adult. Because lets be honest, who among us is? I attend College (first year, 3rd quarter in). I a boyfriend who I have been in love with since I first spoke to him four years ago. I have friends who I have known all of my life and friends who I am just meeting. I get lonely, sad, angry. I also get happy.
I even cut myself on kitchen utensils every once in a while.
I live with my mother in a two story house. I have a bedroom with my own bathroom. I have a pet chinchilla who squeaks when he's not amused with my antics and instead performs his own, and who is a grouchy fart because he's old.
I distance myself from my species as a general rule- and not because I'm pretentious. I do it mostly for my own sanity. I dislike interacting with people in person because I'm bad at it. But somehow I converse well enough online. Also, I don't bite. So if you have questions, I'd be happy to answer them.
So.. I guess that's all for now. I suddenly got inspired to redraw something I started almost two years ago.. I'll post up a picture when I'm done guys... Bye!
I'd like to think that I have a great many talents. But as of lately, I find myself in a continuous slump.
To try and fix that, I decided that
- I need to lose some weight.
- I need to read more books and be on the internet less.
- I need to vent in a healthy, and hopefully pretty anonymous environment.
- And I need to somehow light the fire in my creativity again.
I will not sit here and try to persuade you, or myself, that I am a responsible adult. Because lets be honest, who among us is? I attend College (first year, 3rd quarter in). I a boyfriend who I have been in love with since I first spoke to him four years ago. I have friends who I have known all of my life and friends who I am just meeting. I get lonely, sad, angry. I also get happy.
I live with my mother in a two story house. I have a bedroom with my own bathroom. I have a pet chinchilla who squeaks when he's not amused with my antics and instead performs his own, and who is a grouchy fart because he's old.
I distance myself from my species as a general rule- and not because I'm pretentious. I do it mostly for my own sanity. I dislike interacting with people in person because I'm bad at it. But somehow I converse well enough online. Also, I don't bite. So if you have questions, I'd be happy to answer them.
So.. I guess that's all for now. I suddenly got inspired to redraw something I started almost two years ago.. I'll post up a picture when I'm done guys... Bye!
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